Article from Boozeismymomma.com

When I first saw Captain Ahab live they blew me off the planet. They are two guys named Jonathan Snipes and Jim “sexual dancer” Sweat. Jonathan sings through a vocoder and Jim runs around putting his balls on peoples faces and basically scaring the living shit out of everyone while getting them pregnant. They sound like some sort of synth-electro, way fucking-positive trance (sorry boys but yes), freestyle pop. If you listened to L’trimm and Roger and Zapp growing up then Captain Ahab’s shit will set off some sort of Pavlovian bell in your head. They will make you feel like it’s summer vacation and all you have to do is chase down the ice cream man, get yourself a rocket pop and figure out how you’re going to be an astronaut when you grow up. Except they make you feel better than that. Because now you’re all grown up and drunk as hell and freaking some girl with an almost see-through shirt and asymmetrical hair.

It was pretty simple. I was going to go to the show, ask my five questions about how they met and then dance like my life depended on it.

Right…. then I got off the escalator and Jim was standing there. I remembered him being sweaty and phenomenally gross when I saw him before but he was all showered and cute and had the best eyelashes ever and so I basically gave up. I mean, this dude humps people for a living… and he goes and pulls this “Whoops I’m totally hot” shit on me? What am I supposed to do with that?

Jonathan has been calling himself Captain Ahab for six years or so. Doing that white-boy-shy-is-the-new-in-your-face thing where he went down in his parent’s basement and recorded himself rapping on some Wal-Mart Casio about fucking bitches in the ear.

I planned on asking about how someone who looks so normal creates an alter ego who’s such a faceless sex freak. Then Jonathan showed up and said he wasn’t feeling well… and he had his girlfriend with him and I couldn’t do it. I just can’t ask someone how they write a song about fucking bitches in the ear in front of their really nice girlfriend (who watched my purse for me while I smoked a thousand cigarettes.)

Anyway Jim met Jonathan in high school but they fell in love or whatever in college. They were scene partners in some sort of Shakespeare class. Then Jim went to Jonathan’s shows and was a total super fan and danced his ass off and now he’s a permanent sexual fixture. (Jim’s also in a band called something like Rose for Bohdan. They’re opening for Ahab in Omaha.)

I asked them what bands they’re into and they started naming a bunch of shit I had never heard of and high fiving the crap out each other. I explained that our readers wouldn’t know what any of it was and so Jonathon said he liked the new Nine Inch Nails record and so I got out my wallet and headed directly for the bar. Nine Inch Nails? Have you even heard that CD? Has anyone? (Thanks for the drink tickets.)

I have all of the bands they like on my interview tape. I am saving the tape. I am listening to it. The next time I am surrounded by 80 pound indie boys I am dropping the names of every single one of those bands and I am going to get paid with affection.

Who the hell does Captain Ahab think they are anyway? Did they read our website? They did not. But apparently they can read like goddamn CHAMPS since they went to college and sit around developing complex social/economic theories about being performers and prostitutes and assholes.

Fucking fuck.

Their fans showed up. During the interview they would wander up and say “Sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry, but I have to give these guys some props.” They all knew that Jonathan was Jonathan and that Jim (pussycat?) was Jim. Everyone who has seen them live is devoted to them like 12 year-old girls. They were all psyched as hell for the show.

I was also psyched as hell for the show. I never asked Jim how he would feel about having his face on a pair of underpants when the band sells out, but who cares? I was crunk. I was ready. Then they got onstage.

Their show is hard to describe. Trust me though, because it was really, REALLY good. These guys make you want to shake every muscle in your body until you black out. They have this kind of dark cloud shit about them, like maybe it’s your last night on earth. If bombs were falling and someone was going to throw an end-of-the world house party in their parent’s brown carpet living room in Kansas, then I want Captain Ahab to rock that bitch. In fact, I wish that would fucking happen.

Captain Ahab is playing The Smell on August 2 in L.A. and Ted & Wally’s Ice Cream Shop on August 5 in Omaha. Anyone who doesn’t go see them deserves to be left in the parking lot at the end of the night and with their Mom forever.